Waking Up
by HeavenwithinHell
Summary: "Please. Please. I just to die already. This grace it's-it's burning out. I'm going to die sooner or later anyway . Why shouldn't I get it over with sooner? I mean what's so bad about getting to see the only one you truly love again?" Castiel and Sam are having a rather difficult time after Dean dies.


**Hello guys! This is my first SPN fanfiction that I have even started posting on here :) I hope you enjoy! ( A quick reminder I do not own Supernatural or any of it's components.) **

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Castiel so upset. No. he was pissed. He was horrified. Dean could not be . Not a chance that Dean was dead. Who cares if it's been days? Who cares if he saw Dean's blood on that blade? Who cares if Sam says he watched it? Who cares if he's seen Dean's dead body himself? Castiel was in denial. And it didn't help that Dean's body was only a few rooms away from where he was.

All he felt was guilt. Every _last feeling _coming out of this angel , well what little angel he was, was guilt. If he hadn't been _stupid_ enough to trust Metatron in the _first place _they wouldn't be in this situation at _all_. He _should've _been there to save Dean with what little grace he had. He would've thought something up. But he was too late .Too late to save this man's life. Too late to tell him how he felt.

And at first , for years actually he didn't know what it was . He would simply feel the same pressure, the same ache in his chest every time he saw or thought of Dean. He would've thought it was symptoms of a heart attack , but he was still a full on warrior of god when he met Dean, and it happened then . It wasn't until Metatron gave him all the knowledge of everything, every movie , every television program, every book he has seen or read, that he realized what this feeling was one he hadn't experienced in his life in heaven . Out of all the years in heaven without humans, without Dean, only angel and he had never felt it before. It was foreign. It was love. And _no_ it wasn't brotherly love , like the relationship he had with Sam. It was .

The time read _**7:53 **_on the clock. Sam had gone out to go do research . They had picked up a hunt to distract themselves, but to Castiel even the idea of hunting without Dean made him nauseous. It was probably the wearing angel grace too, but he missed Dean too much to be thinking of that, even though it was something that would lead to his demise.

Castiel ,dressed in nothing ,but some of Dean's old shorts, walked into the kitchen area of the bunker. Maybe drinking would help. Dean-_Dean_ would do it. He got out a bottle of scotch out of the cabinet and set it on the countertop and began to reach for a drinking glass, but he mistakenly dropped the glass on the ground. He heard the glass hit the floor, but what made the impression was the feeling of the small glass shards jam into his skin . He winced and grasped the countertop.

He grabbed another glass despite his bleeding legs and took a deep breath before slamming that glass down . He felt the prickle on this legs again, but this time more painful. And he _kept _throwing down those glasses , not caring whether or not he was bleeding or hurting. Nothing hurt more than Dean being gone. Nothing. And he began throwing everything glass , porcelain, anything breakable until he cried, falling to his knees and then lying down on the floor, pressing his skin against the glass, letting the small and large fragment sink in and he was losing a significant amount of blood.

"Maybe i'll get to be with Dean." He said softly before resting his face on the ground. He was tired. Tired from all that he had done wrong. Tired of things he did right . He didn't care if what he did was right or wrong. Not anymore. He only cared about what he felt he should do. And being with Dean was one of them. Even if he had to die to get to Dean. He felt it was worth of the pain now.

Castiel grunts as he hears the entrance to the bunker creak open and Sam voice echo. "Cas? You up yet? I've got breakfast on the way back from the library." Sam listens for castiel , while stepping down the stairs. No response. "Cas?" He said again , heading towards Castiel's bedroom. No one there. '_Maybe he started to make food already and can't hear me over the food .' _He thought . He made his way over to the kitchen and was horrified to see Castiel on the ground bleeding immensely.

"CAS!" He yelled. "What happened?" He asked . Castiel mumbled," I did ." Sam didn't understand. "Why would you do this?" Sam asked wanting to know why he would hurt himself like this. "I want to be with Dean." Castiel returned breathing heavily. Sam shook his head and tried to help Castiel up "No. Let's get you cleaned up." Castiel pulled back and hit the floor. "Please , Sam. I just- I just want be with Dean. " Tears streamed down his red face as he began coughing up blood.

"Dammit Cas. You're bleeding more than I can fix. We-we need to get you to a hospital." Sam said lifting Cas , who began to choke out more words. "_Please_. _**Please**_. I just to die already. This grace it's-it's burning out. I'm going to die sooner or later anyway . Why shouldn't I get it over with sooner? I mean what's so bad about getting to see the only one you truly love again?"

Sam was taken aback by Castiel's words. He knew Castiel liked Dean, but to be honest he didn't even know Castiel knew what love was. '_Must have been Metatron.' _He thought.'_With all the books and movies he know about now.' _He finally decided to speak. "Cas. I know you-you love Dean, but Dean wouldn't want this! You're like a brother to me and since Dean is gone. I don't have one . Not one that's alive. I want to be around ,you, one of my best friends as much as possible before you die.I'm hoping we will find your grace before then but if not I will not have you kill yourself before you die. Do you understand me ?" Castiel nodded and complied with Sam.

Sam hoisted castiel up the stairs and loaded him in the Impala , driving as quickly as possible. "You're going to be okay. You got that?" He said trying to keep Castiel awake.

They soon arrived at the hospital and Castiel was admitted. The doctors were going to remove quite a bit of glass. They would use a MRI to see where exactly to look for the glass that was jammed in deep. They wanted to know why this happened and Sam couldn't think of a good enough lie fast enough. Sam told them that Castiel was suicidal after losing the love of his life. It wasn't a lie,but he didn't include how this 'love' died. Telling someone that he died by getting stabbed would most definitely cause trouble. But the doctor told Sam that after he has recovered from the glass he will be put in the psych division.

Sam prayed that night, which was surprising considering how he didn't pray much. He prayed that Dean would not be dead. He prayed Dean would wake up. That Dean would come back to them. He didn't see it being very likely , but if someone ,anyone, out there could fix this gaping hole in his heart where his brother should be, he wouldn't even think about what he had to do he would do it . And as much as Castiel wanted his love back he wanted his brother back _just _as much.


End file.
